It is said we have between 50,000-70,000 thoughts per day – a rate of 35-48 per minute. While this is a just a number for some, for me, it’s a daily torture. My mind bounces back and forth between thoughts, more often than not unable to complete full sentences or thoughts. The topics of these thoughts vary between nonsense and matters related to both work and overall self-improvement. What I would give right now for one full day, just one day, full of complete, sustainable thoughts.
While my Wife and I sat in our final marriage counseling meeting, the therapist suggested I may have ADHD (Attentive Deficit Hyper-Activity Disorder). Her suggestion didn’t phase me or rather take me by surprise. In an awkward way, her suggestion almost felt whole. Later that night I wandered around the grocery store, the therapists suggestion rattling around in my brain. The more I dwelled on it, the more it made sense. Having ADHD would explain the precise symptoms exhibited as a child, and even in my teenage years. When as a teenager, I often questioned what was potentially “wrong” with me. There was much I didn’t “understand” about myself.
A few years later, I found myself envious of those fully aware of themselves – who they are, what they want out of life, careers, relationships, etc… I’m envious because the more I dwell on what is wrong with me, potentially undiagnosed discrepancies, the more I sit here – motionless, anxiety-ridden, and frightened of the outside world. I want to dwell less on what is wrong and have more time spent on understanding.
Understanding who or what I was at a younger age may have prevented a host of complications before becoming this husk of an adult male now entering his thirties – still full of regret, anxiety, and fear. The “big 3” as it’s called. Those same three complications destroyed my twenties. It has destroyed relationships, a marriage, a family, friendships, and even myself.
This is not a call for blame. Whether there is an external, parental influence or lack thereof in terms of diagnosis, there is no blame still.
This is a war cry – shouting from the deepest and darkest depths of my being. This is a call for a search for understanding who and what I am.
I only want to understand who and what I am. Because the first step to solving any problem is first admitting that there is one.